Figure skating is not a sport

We all must have a credo, an unwavering principle to guide us through this challenging life.

On this, I shall make my stand: Figure skating is not a sport. In fact, figure skating isn't even figure skating.

I love the Olympics. I enjoy watching so-called figure skating, which is an Olympic activity.

But figure skating is not a sport. It is athletic. It is artistic. It is beautiful, and it is not easy. So is ballet. Ballet is not a sport.

Figure skating fails the sport/not a sport test on three major grounds: The judging is subjective (Doubt that? Stand by for the quadrennial Olympic judging scandal); it is done to music; and it involves costumes.

Nothing done to music is a sport. And anything involving costumes (especially with sequins) is not a sport. Sports have uniforms, not costumes.

And now, why figure skating, in addition to not being a sport, is not figure skating. Her name is Beatrix (Trixie) Schuba of Austria, winner of the 1972 Winter Olympic gold medal for figure skating though she finished seventh in the "free skating" portion of the competition, far behind American Janet Lynn, who wound up with bronze.

To be nice, let's just say that Trixie was something this side of graceful. Here's how the AP reported her victory: "The big blonde from Vienna built up such a commanding lead in the compulsories earlier in the week that no one could catch her even though she only finished seventh in Monday's free-skating finale."

Here's the deal. Trixie was very, very good at figure skating - as in skating figures - and amassed an insurmountable lead in what was then known as the compulsories, the portion of the competition in which skaters had to methodically etch "figures" into the ice. Very, very boring. Very, very bad TV.

So the boys in marketing, haunted by memories of "the big blonde from Vienna," reduced the point value of the compulsories and increased the value of the free skating, which is what we now erroneously call figure skating.

In 1991, the compulsories were eliminated from the Olympics, leaving us with the activity now fraudulently known as "figure skating."

So now you now why figure skating is not figure skating. It should be called ice dancing, but there is something else called ice dancing. Ice dancing is not a sport. Remember the rules about music and costumes and sequins? And any activity that includes the word "dancing" is not a sport.

Folks will accuse me of jealousy because of my inability to do it. For the record, I also cannot play the tuba. That does not make tuba playing a sport. What else you got?

I like to watch figure skating. But I can enjoy watching it without needing somebody to tell me who "won."

Here is my handy guide to sport/not a sport:

Downhill skiing: Fastest one to the bottom wins. A sport.

Ski jumping: Whoever jumps the farthest wins, but there are style points involved. Anything that involves style points is not a sport. Surprisingly, not a sport.

Cross-country skiing: First one to the Finnish line wins. A sport.

Freestyle skiing: Includes subjectively judged events. Not a sport.

Hockey: Objective scoring. Missing teeth. A sport.

Ice dancing: You're kidding, right?

Curling: Frozen shuffleboard with brooms, objectively scored. Shockingly, a sport (though possibly more of a game).

Luge: Fastest one to the bottom wins. A sport.

Bobsled: See luge.

Speedskating: Fastest one wins. A sport.

Biathlon: Skiing and shooting while resisting shooting the guy in front of you. A sport, which would be huge in the U.S. if they had more snow.

Source: The Montreal Gazette

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